It’s almost 1:30 AM, and you may have guessed it- I can’t sleep.

It’s as if there’s a hidden agenda that blocks me out from slumbering into the night. I always like to believe that every sleeper had to cease through their daily hindrances to accomplish their triumphant sleep. But how about the insomniacs and those who force to gain their feat by intaking sleeping pills? Well, I don’t know much and I can’t blame them- life was already an obstacle to begin with anyways.

Still, I haven’t figured out what’s bothering my inconsistent, perfect dose of sleep. I’m too numb to look into my thoughts and collect all of the nits; I’ll just leave them to breed for tomorrow’s morning angst. Perhaps, I will forget them altogether- at least that’s what I’m hoping for. I wouldn’t want to spend my divine time contemplating personal petty issues. Heck, I should get used to them by now. After all these years of teenage heartaches and typical dejection, I need to step up in my game; bring up the barrier and just enjoy life to the fullest.

(Sheesh, I’m even using corny statements to come out blunt.)

Apparently, it’s past 2AM now and my eyelids aren’t heavy enough to be drifting off. I think it’s the adrenaline rushing; I got excited for a brief while after I entertain the idea of cooking pasta tomorrow, with my special and “I haven’t experimented it yet” sauce. It’s all thanks to the endless amount of cooking videos that got me all hyped up. It’s not that I’m craving for pasta, it’s more of the pride that I could entitle myself right after the outcome. I’m only an amateur cook who is still doubting whether or not cooking is part of my hobby. I mean, I hoard hobbies to grease and flex out my creativity, so this is just a good creative outlet with an edible reward.

Hm, thinking about all of this makes me want to sleep. Or preferably, hasten the night to a whole new beginning of– pasta.

I seriously need to sleep.


Sleepy & Shallow

My fingers are hesitating as I’m typing this, I barely shed a sweat from the tip of my fingers. My hands are pleasantly groggy, same goes for the palms, resting against the heat of my laptop like a crappy cheap furnace. I could be the modern-day version of the little match girl, except, I’m being comforted by the warmth of some technology. That sounded millennial to my ears.

Then, there are my eyes, wandering around the gloomy four corners I called home. The main focal point is my laptop’s dimly lit screen, but my eyes seem to space out into the abyss. When I snapped out of my dooze, my eyelids felt heavy- it was doing so many push-ups in a row, that’s how fucking exhausted I am. So, what’s the solution? Go grab a cup of coffee or some energy drink? Well, it’s practically useless, I’m picky about what caffeine goes into my system. Basically, I’m not a coffee person.

Still, I’m sleepy and it’s a pretty feeling. You give no absolute fucks about anything. Your thoughts, memories and conscience are sleepy, they are enclosed in a box, only to be open when you’re fully awake. The world will feel new and hazy like you’ve just been born. Wouldn’t it be peaceful to forever be sleepy? Strange, it makes me want to relive the days of preschool napping sessions.

It’s 4 AM, I seriously need to sleep.


My Life in a Movie

In people’s own perspective view, they are the main characters of their own story. It is up to them to decide their own decisions and conflictions.

I bet there is even an invisible narrator who is describing my life. You know, like in some movies, there are these “unknown” people narrating other people’s life, I found it quite satisfying and I even adapt that idea to reality. As I am completely overdosed with movies, television shows and books, I began to see my life as if it was a movie, but not scripted. Probably a reality television show wherein this time, the cameraman is very good at hiding.

However, I also imagined that there are people watching my life while eating popcorn, or maybe a bag of gummy bears- I know it sounded uncanny, but these “people” could feel weary and bored at some point, that’s why it’s up to me to make my life more enthralling because I don’t want my existence to be another cliché movie.

As I do consider myself an extraordinaire, I always have the sudden urge to do or say something that would either make me sound like a comedian or a gothic person, but due to me being an apprehensive person- it can be difficult. I tend to cringe at memories that are regrettable. I kept on repeating them and it’s destroying my acting career. (Ha- I’m being dramatic.) Plus, I am an introvert- my whole world is in my head. In reality, I am a shy, hesitant, soft-spoken being who easily get frightened. (Well, depending on the people that perceived me.) But in my own mind, I am more than that, I am majestic. My mind is screaming so loudly that only me, myself could hear it, yet nobody else would be able to.

Then, I began brooding, would it be better if these “people” are watching my imagination than my existence? I mean- I am the cameraman of my own mind, but I felt that reality is also rolling too. How could you film a person who is filming her own utopia? If only the cameraman could jump inside my head and film everything- I wouldn’t be dull person. My head is always in the clouds, and coming back down to earth can be eerie to me.

Nevertheless, I want these “people” to see my actual self- the personality that is in my mind. I don’t want them to depict me as a typical, average girl because that wouldn’t be me. However, expressing it verbally can turn out to be an indecipherable colloquy. I think I would rather make and do the bucket list than ensuring the other characters would remember me as an extraordinary person. In that case, maybe that could already be a part of my bucket list- remembering me as an extraordinarie.

We’re all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? ‘Cause it was, you know, it was the best.
-Eleventh Doctor (Doctor Who)

Anyways, I’ll just continue being who I am. I am not really solemn about this weird situation, I could only expose my actual self to a few people. Being an enigma would probably be the next thing I would go for, but since I have shared my contemplation with you- being different is what I aimed to be.